I am not sure who is reading this but I can tell you that last night all I could think about is how I’ve really put myself out there. I am feeling very exposed and some feelings I can’t even label. I do not regret sharing, because I want all women to know they really are never alone, and more importantly that they can overcome.
I am going to be honest with you here I am not even sure what a blog is entirely or its real purpose ( Don’t judge me!) but I am using this blog as a platform to share personal stories, connect, and I guess, work through my own “stuff”.
Christmas is a time for me that is so magical and special, even as a child, it felt like it was the one time in the year where we all were close and like “a real family”, Mom always made it so special and Dad wanted to give us ( I have a younger brother) everything. We were spoiled at Christmas, and I loved seeing everyone happy, it made me happy. The traditions of my childhood I of course wanted to carry on with my family. My girls were about 2 and 3 years old and it was the 23rd of December, not a present was bought, no baking done, no turkey, nothing that resembled the Christmas I knew and loved. We were broke but we had one paycheck that we were going to go shopping with! My husband will be home soon and we are going to get our Christmas on!! About an hour before I expect him home he calls and says he stopped at the casino and won $1000! I was ecstatic, finally some luck. Then 2 hours later he is still not home and I called him to ask what is the delay, we need to go shopping. He decided to go back in to the casino and not only did he lose the winnings but he lost the pay too. I was devastated. I can’t even describe how much of a failure I felt I was, no Christmas, not even a dinner. What to do now? Your probably thinking family, well his family lives 5 hours away as we were living in Northern Ontario at this time, and my family lives in Europe. It was just us. So I decided to delay Christmas, we had Christmas about a week late, the kids were small and didn’t have daycare so they didn’t know that it really wasn’t Christmas, but I did and I hated it and him for it. This wasn’t the last Christmas without money either, there was another year when the kids were in school and daycare and were very aware of Christmas. But this story has a happy ending, there really is magic at Christmas time and there really are good people in the world. Our daycare providers mother, a women I will never forget, showed up on the last day of daycare for the holiday season and had a garbage bag FULL of toys and gifts, brand new, and gave me the whole bag for Christmas. I had never felt such gratitude in my life and the tears were pouring out of me. My girls will have a Christmas and Santa will come! Only because a “Santa” actually did!
But I loathed my husband, and myself for ever even being in this situation again.
Today I am a single mother, and our Christmases are beautiful, my mother is home now and with us, which is totally awesome as she is my magic at Christmas and I think my girls too. My life’s journey has some very bumpy paths but it also has some very smooth and beautiful paths.
Onto the challenge!
5 things to be grateful for:
- my life
- my girls
- my mother
- my health
- my lessons
5 I AM’S
- I am lucky
- I am beautiful
- I am thin
- I am motivated
- I am worthy
Have a Great Day and keep up with the Challenge!
Me